Our Kids

Subtitle: Everything I’ve learned about parenting came from America’s Funniest Home Videos.

I’ve recently become way too addicted to ABC’s America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks to Tivo I get a full hour of it everyday. While I haven’t actually watched every episode that Tivo has stored for me, sometimes it feels like I have.

The other day Mystique and I were talking about all the things we’ve learned about parenting (and I guess life in general) from watching this cheesy-at-times, but usually funny, show. I stole her idea and here it is:

• Never, under any circumstances, give your child a bat of any kind. This goes double for you dads… you know what they’ll hit.
• Sledding down snowy hills will turn into uncontrollable sledding downhill 80% of the time. 40% of the time you’ll manage to run down a member of your family. 40% of the time it will be a stranger. The final 20% of the time you’ll end up in a lake or a river.
• Pinatas are never a good idea. See #1.
• Never let your child pick how much bubble-making solution to use in their bath.
• Do not keep chocolate syrup in your house until your child is at least 16 years of age.
• Don’t even think about the Barbie Jeep or any sort of motorized mini-vehicle for your child. They’ll either run over your other child or manage to find walls, trees, or steep hills that you weren’t aware of.
• Trampolines are a recipe for disaster.
• Trampolines with basketball hoops nearby are certain disaster.
• Do not try jumping off a swing if you’re older than 16.
• Just don’t try swinging if you’re older than 16.
• Mantra at a zoo: Llamas spit.

That’s all I can think of for now…

jason